So sick of feeling sick

I haven't posted an update on my health in awhile, largely because things were going well and I was afraid of jinxing them. Well, things have gone steeply downhill again and I feel the need to whine, so here it goes.

In terms of nausea, after the first two weeks were awful, the days varied between medium and medium-bad for a few weeks. Thanks to the amazing arm-twisting of our school health center, I got in to see the gastrointerologist 2 1/2 weeks ago (instead of 3 days ago like was originally scheduled). He didn't really know what was going on, but had a couple theories that he could test without invasive procedures. One of these was basically that for some reason the hormone shift at Nicholas' birth got my stomach off and for some reason my body hadn't been able to get it back on track and so it was producing too much acid, making me so sick. He wanted me to take a high-power acid reducing medicine to jolt it back into shape, but we didn't know if it was safe for Nicholas, so we decided to start with an over-the-counter version instead. And for the first week it worked beautifully! I actually had a few days where I felt perfect, mixed in with days where I felt pretty good. And then the second week switched to more like a mix of pretty good and not quite as good. I talked to the doctor in the middle of this week and he proclaimed success and said that after one full week of feeling good to wean off the medicine and see if my stomach could maintain the proper levels on its own. And then it went to a mix of not quite as good and a little bad and then out of the blue this morning was awful. I haven't felt that bad in weeks. And it just wouldn't go away! The worst of it faded within a couple hours, but the lingering nausea just wouldn't die. In fact, it is still hanging around, although right this second it is better than it has been all day. I am actually fixing some food for dinner. Let's hope I feel up for eating by the time it is ready.

So I am incredibly frustrated and disappointed, in addition to feeling physically awful. Add to that the fact that Joe left an hour ago for 5 days in Philly (which I was already nervous about), and I feel a little like the walls are closing in. Allison has agreed to come over this evening and overnight and a couple other friends have offered to come up for periods of time to help, which I am extremely grateful for. But even with that help, I'm not quite sure how I'm going to make it if I continue to feel this sick.

I am definitely calling the doctor in the morning, but am not very optimistic because I don't think I'm going to like any of the next set of options. I had just in the past week or so gotten to the point where I actually wanted to keep breastfeeding and was no longer half looking for excuses to stop, so it would be incredibly ironic if now I have to stop because of a medicine. But if that is the best option I guess I have no choice because I just can't take care of him while feeling this awful. I just want to feel better for real and have this behind us. I have been praying so hard for so long that this morning in church I broke down, overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness and desperation as I prayed yet again to beat this.

But at least Nicholas is sleeping right now. He needed a nap so desperately and I need a little time to mentally regroup. I think in many ways the disappointment and frustration of today have been as exhausting as the physical feelings. For the first time in weeks I am scared to wake up in the morning tomorrow and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.