I couldn't have said it better

There have been a few posts I have contemplated writing over the past couple months but either couldn't figure out how to do so or decided they were too involved to try to tap out with one finger while Nicholas was eating (the way I write most posts). But some friends of friends whose blogs I sometimes read have recently posted related entries that seem like good jumping off points and since Nicholas is at least temporarily asleep, I'll give this a shot.

"Your child will die . . ."
As you all probably know, I am a natural worrier. But given all the messages sent to new parents, I think I am actually doing quite well. What I refer to as the "baby industry" is very much like the wedding industry (meaning absolutely insane), but with added medical sides and much higher stakes. Every piece of parenting advice and every baby-related product comes with the warning that if you don't do something exactly right or buy x thing, you child will die or be scarred or disadvantaged for life. It was easy to laugh at the makeup artist who insisted that I absolutely could not get married without fake eyelashes, but much harder to laugh off claims that are probably equally absurd but involve my son's life or well-being. I read a good book while pregnant called Parenting, Inc. on this topic, and this blog writes about this phenomenon in a much more entertaining way than I could, if you're interested.

Is something wrong with me?
Another blogger recently wrote a post about his difficulty feeling connected with his children while they were infants and his corresponding feelings and fears of inadequacy or unnaturalness. I know some people feel an immediate deep connection with their children upon birth, but I'm with this guy--it takes me time to really bond. In my case it was more like 3-4 weeks than 6 months, but I think it is important to acknowledge this because we are bombarded with messages in our culture that suggest that if you don't immediately fall completely head over heels, you are an unnatural parent.

I struggled with this a lot in the first few weeks. An immediate feeling of responsibility? Definitely. Of protectiveness? Sure. Willing to do anything he needed? Yes. And so, yes, I loved him from the beginning. But not the mushy gushy sentimental love or the feeling of deep connection that everyone talks about and is portrayed in movies. Add to that some moments of frustration and even resentment and you have the recipe for crying spells where I insisted that I was a horrible mother and there was something wrong with me. Yes, because those are exactly the feelings that make it easier to take care of a newborn on no sleep while feeling horribly sick.

And so, both to clear my conscience and as a public service announcement (and because reading that other blog entry gave me courage), I admit that it took me a few weeks to really feel deeply connected with Nicholas. Probably not coincidentally this happened at about the same time that he really began to interact with us and exhibit personality. From what I've read this seems to be more common for fathers, but in our case for whatever reason it took me longer than Joe. I insist (or at least I hope) that lots of people probably have these thoughts but that we're all too scared of being thought of as bad parents to voice them. And so, if you fall head over heels for your child at birth, great, but if you don't, don't worry it will happen and you do no one (including the baby) any favors by beating yourself up. Call me instead.