Breastfeeding . . . My Thoughts

I've been mentally writing pieces of this post for a couple weeks as friends contemplating the issue sought out my thoughts and experiences. And as I talked to them I realized I should write some of this out. So, for what it is worth, here are my thoughts. First, a couple disclaimers. I am in no way a medical expert, nor do my experiences necessarily represent the norm or what you would experience if you choose to breastfeed. Secondly, my own thoughts on the issue have been all over the map on the course of this journey, and I'm sure will continue to change. But, for what it is worth, here it goes.

First, I will lay out the relative advantages of each choice, from what I've read and my own experience, and then I will wade into the whole debate.

Pros of breastfeeding:

• Breastmilk provides the baby with antibodies that will help it fight off germs. While it can't prevent your baby from catching the measles (I don't think), it does help the baby get over colds more quickly or get them less severely, which makes you all happier. This also means colds are less likely to lead to ear infections. Big plus.
• Breastmilk is easier on babies' digestive system. This means breastfed babies usually have less trouble with gas and spit-up.
• It is more cost-effective because you don't have to buy formula.
• No bottles to clean (which are a surprising pain in the butt).
• Breastmilk spit-up doesn't stain anywhere nearly as badly as formula spit-up. (In fact, we didn't have a single post-wash spit up stain before Nicholas started eating solid foods.)
• Not to mention that formula just smells bad. Seriously, ick.

Pros of formula:

• Anyone can feed baby. This means you can trade off getting up in the middle of the night (yay, sleep!), Mommy isn't held captive to one spot on the couch for hours each day, and other people get to enjoy feeding baby.
• You can feed baby in public without getting funny looks or having to worry about the baby deciding he does not like his head covered while he eats and yanking the blanket off, exposing you to everyone around. (Okay, so this last one may just be my particular, stubborn baby.)
• You can be away from your baby for more than 4 hours at a time, without having to figure out the logistics of pumping wherever you are.
• It is easy to know and track how much baby is eating. Conventional wisdom is that this doesn't matter and you should just trust your baby's cues and your body's production. However, for those of us who feel a compulsive need to know and understand what is going on and/or aren't good at distinguishing between baby's different kinds of cries, not having any clue how much baby is eating can be maddening.

These lists are nowhere near as long as some you can find elsewhere, but they are based on my experience. And so things that are on other lists that I have not found true (or important) in my experience, I left off. Because, basically, it is my blog and so I get to do that. So there.

For those of you who have not recently been immersed in the pregnancy/baby literature or social network, a little background. The decision on whether to use formula or breastfeed is laden with layers upon layers of pressure and guilt. When our generation was growing up formula was generally considered the way to go, as good and possibly better than breastmilk. At some point in the past 20 years a movement in favor of breastfeeding was born and gained vociferous followers. As an expectant and new mother, you are basically told from all sides that breastfeeding is what is best for your baby and choosing not to is cruel and selfish. Sometimes it isn't that strong, but other times it is even stronger. This position is advocated most strongly by what I have termed "breastfeeding Nazis" although I have seen them termed "nipple Nazis" in other places.

So, where do I stand? Somewhere in the middle.

I do think there is pretty clear evidence that breastmilk is better than formula for babies, but I think the extent of this difference is exaggerated. Babies who exclusively eat formula are fine and grow up to be fine and healthy as adults. (The only exception to this is in places that don't have access to clean water, in which case the debate is entirely different and breastfeeding takes on a definite advantage.) Let's be honest--either way, this will be the healthiest and most nutritionally balanced diet your child will eat in his or her entire life.

But--and here's where I'm really going to make some people mad and earn myself my "bad mommy" points for the week--your baby's health depends on a lot more than the food it is consuming and your own sanity and well-being are an important factor to take into consideration. Yes, I just dared suggest that a mother should take her own needs into account. Horrors. But, seriously, stop and think about it for a minute. Is it good for your baby for you to be stressed, frustrated, and resentful? Not that breastfeeding necessarily leads to those feelings, but if you are finding that to be a descriptor of you and you think adding a bottle of formula will decrease your stress level, then why not? I get much less frustrated with Nicholas now that I can spend an entire day away from him. I come home feeling accomplished because I got work done, like a full person because I had adult conversation, and physically and psychologically stronger because I was able to go for a run. Go ahead and call me selfish, but I really believe that taking care of myself is an important part of taking care of him. It took me many months to come to this conclusion, but I now don't know what took me so long.

Okay, so how to make a decision for yourself? Well, I think the place to start is to take a look at your lifestyle. Do you plan to stay at home or work part-time for the first year? If so, then go for it. If you are going to be the one doing most of the feedings anyway because you will be the primary caregiver and don't plan to be away from your baby for more than 4 hours at a time, breastfeeding is more convenient, in addition to the health benefits.

Basically, from my experience, the more hours you will need/want to be away from your baby on a regular basis, the more difficult breastfeeding becomes and therefore the more useful formula becomes. It is definitely possible to work full-time and breastfeed, but it isn't nearly as easy as the books make it sound. If you have a private office, with a door, that you can close for 15-20 minutes at a time every 4 hours without anyone knocking, you have a place you can wash the equipment up, somewhere you can lay it out to dry without other people seeing it and feeling awkward, and a fridge to put the milk in, then sure. But most jobs don't offer those conditions and while it is technically possible to pump in the public bathroom and store milk in an insulated lunch bag, the logistics of that get very quickly overwhelming and exhausting.

Then there are some factors you have no idea about before your baby is born, but which make a big difference--namely, your baby's personality and your own body's production. Every experience with breastfeeding is different because of these two factors. Some babies follow the expectations, eating for 20 minutes every 4 hours or so. I, however, had the good fortune to have a child who wanted to eat for an hour to two hours at a time. And, actually, at the hospital he was going for like 5 hours at a time. Not cool! I remember feeling like I was held hostage and so resentful that Joe was able to do things even as simple as check email himself or do the dishes. Yes, I was envious of him doing the dishes. I was later told (like when Nicholas was almost 2 months old) that I was allowed to force him to stop eating after like 10 minutes on a side because after that he wasn't getting much food anyway. Granted, I wasn't told this by a doctor and who knows whether that is actually approved wisdom, but what I do know is that it made my breastfeeding experience automatically improve. With hindsight I think what was happening is that Nicholas was falling asleep while eating and continuing to suck in his sleep. So it wasn't that he was still hungry, he was just sleeping and pacifying himself to stay asleep.

I realize looking back at this post that it comes off sounding pretty negative about breastfeeding. So keep in mind that it can't be that bad because I am still doing it. Not exclusively, since we added in formula about a month ago, and now that Nicholas has suddenly stopped eating at night he is at about half breast milk and half formula. And after the first week or so I never minded the actual process of feeding him, which I had expected to be weird and painful and all that, but really wasn't. It has been a roller coaster of a journey for me. So much so that I still have no idea what I will do with future kids. In all likelihood I will try to do a combination if my body will let me, to try to get some of the benefits without being on such a short leash. But, really, the job situation will probably be a determining factor, so only time will tell.

As a side note, the whole debate leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have no problem with advocating breastfeeding, particularly since the generation now becoming mothers grew up with formula and so has little exposure to breastfeeding and is often turned off by the idea. Advocate it, explain some of the benefits, offer support networks for women who are having difficulty or have questions, work to create a culture that is more friendly towards it and doesn't look askance at women who try to feed their babies in public. That is fine. In fact, better than fine. But why push to the other extreme, stigmatizing women (and parents in general) who use formula? As though a new mother doesn't have enough stress and guilt and worry, you need to make her life more difficult? Really? Who does that help? In general I think this strategy is not only cruel, but also ineffective. If instead of glorifying breastfeeding and minimizing any potential drawbacks (and therefore dismissing anyone who finds these difficulties to be real challenges), breastfeeding advocates offered a realistic portrayal and suggestions for ways to make it easier, I think they would actually get a lot further towards accomplishing their goal.