If academia doesn’t work out, I have a new backup plan—selling bitchy third-trimester maternity shirts. These will be large enough to actually cover a 9-month belly fully (I can’t really be the only person whose maternity shirts stopped fitting properly, can I?) and will preemptively address the million stupid things people say. Some of my current thoughts:
- No, the baby isn’t due for three more months. Why? (Or, along the same lines, “It’s triplets.”)
- I don’t care which of your relatives have birthdays around my due date.
- Yes, we know what we’re having. A baby. Tests suggest it is human.
- If I actually “pop,” you better stand back.
- How much weight have you gained this year?
- Actually, I hate children.
- Thanks for the warning, but it’s a little late now.
- Warning: Pregnancy is a valid defense on assault charges.
Yes, these are the things I sometimes wish I was gutsy (or rude) enough to say to people. Everyone warns that the ninth month is the hardest, but I thought it would be from physical discomfort, not idiots harassing me every time I go out in public. I’m considering self imposing bedrest just so I don’t have to deal with people anymore.
Just tell people your due date is tomorrow and you feel like it could be any time now. We got the best service for the weekend before Abby was born. :o)
ReplyDeleteThat's a great suggestion, and we've already seen it work! The usually grumpy receptionist at the dentist's office was all smiles and helpfulness in making me a follow-up appointment today. "First available" through clenched teeth melted into "when works for you?"
ReplyDeleteGoing to the dentist still sucks, though, even if you do bring your pregnant wife.