I get to the computer to post so rarely that it seems like all I write are list-like update posts. But I guess that is better that than nothing.
Elizabeth suddenly seems so much older! And I really mean suddenly. In the last two days there seems to be noticeably more animation and personality in her eyes. And she is engaging more with us and her toys. Now, it is a matter of degrees and nothing like that of the 3-month old, but she will focus in on a specific object and get really animated (face, arms, and legs) and coo at it. And she seems to be starting to consider us at least close to as interesting as the lights on the other side of the room.
Nicholas still has his moments, but his behavior has noticeably mellowed in the last couple weeks. Tonight he really didn't want to go to bed since Elizabeth was up, but instead of throwing a fit, he came back out and just curled up silently on the couch next to me and snuggled in. I couldn't easily force him back to bed because I was nursing Elizabeth and Joe was at choir, but I told him I wasn't going to talk to him. And he sat there for close to an hour with only a handful of words and no tv or anything, just wanting to be with us while she ate and I read.
I was back in the classroom today for the first time since Elizabeth was born. I won't say back to work because I would only consider the first 5 or so days actually off. And the Thanksgiving weekend, which I took almost completely off. But the days in between I was doing work from home. And I have to say, being back in the classroom and on campus is way better than the working from home was. Working from home I was feeling stretched so thin as I tried to type out comments on student papers with one hand while nursing or holding Elizabeth. And I didn't get any of the positives that come from the human interactions of actually being at work. Today was much better because I was only focused on work and I got to have the classroom interactions I love. And really if it wasn't for having to pump and everything that goes along with that it would have felt like nothing had changed. I picked up with my classes right where we left off and after I blanked on one student's name at the very beginning of the first class, everything fell back into place. The only problem is that I'm really tired. I may not have to juggle the baby and work on Tuesdays (Joe doesn't teach Tuesdays), but I forgot to factor in the impact of very little and broken sleep. And tonight I have wished at least a dozen times that Joe didn't have choir. This catnap Elizabeth is giving me right now is helping my sanity (and allowing me to write), but she is sleeping so lightly I can't put her down, which means no nap for me. Luckily Joe is taking his personal day (we get one a semester) tomorrow, so I can ask him to help out some overnight.
I have spent a lot of this evening pacing the apartment with Elizabeth singing along to Christmas music or making up my own words to songs when I can't hear the song or the radio is on ads. I am working hard to remind myself how special and fleeting these days are. On a day like today when I'm tired and missing having 7-12 each evening to myself, I am having to fight to remember that holding my little girl and singing to her is actually way better than working or watching tv. It is so hard in the moment, but I know it is true in actuality. And so I tried to soak it in. But those moments honestly already are fuzzy. I'm just so tired.
Elizabeth actually had a really good night by her standards last night. She slept in the bassinet 12-5:30. Not straight, but she did do two 2-hour blocks. And, most importantly, she went back into the bassinet with no complaints or problems after the first two feedings. I think that actually is the biggest factor in how I feel about the night. How many times she gets up and the total amount of sleep I get both matter some, but how much I have to fight to get her down is what shapes my attitude. It is super frustrating when she is crying 5 minutes after I put her down. Switching the bassinet to the rocking setting and putting it next to the bed helps some because sometimes I can get her back to sleep by rocking her for a bit, but quite often she then fusses again when I stop rocking. And I've lost track of the number of times I have drifted off while rocking the bassinet and woke up to her fussing to realize that my hand was still on the bassinet but not moving. We have been swaddling her again for the past week, with mixed results. The first night it seemed to make a big difference, but since then it doesn't really seem to have. We were so hopeful since she is willing to sleep 2-3 hour stretches regularly in anything that encircles her (swing, bouncy seat, carseat, our arms). Don't ask me why I have no problem doing all her naps in those ways during the day but insist on the bassinet at night. Apparently the assumption that nighttime=bed is stronger than my desire to get longer blocks of sleep at night.
There are a ridiculous number of photos in the
November album. (Hmm, now that I think about it, a few of those are from December--I forgot the month had changed. Oh well, I'm not moving them.) Joe's entire family was here over the Thanksgiving weekend so we had new things/people to take pictures of. Here are just a handful of my favorites, but go to the album if you want to see more:
